From Fermentation to Preservation: The Making of Memory, Kimchi, and Belonging in Michelle Zauner’s Crying in H-Mart PDF Free Download
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SanghamitraDalal,UniversitiTeknologiMARA,Malaysia
FromFermentationtoPreservation:The
MakingofMemory,Kimchi,andBelongingin
MichelleZauner’sCryinginH-Mart
Abstract
ThearticlewillreadthebiracialKoreanAmericanMichelleZauner’sgriefmemoir,CryinginH-Mart
(2021),whichissuffusedwithrawarticulationsofagonyanddespairasitdocumentsZauner’s
cancer-strickenmother’slastdays.However,IwillfocusonhowZaunerdevotedlyundertakes
learningtocookandconsumehermother’sdishesfollowinghermother’sdemise.Asthegustatory
sensationisinducedinitsentirety,shenotonlystartsmemorializinghermotherbutalsostarts
learninghowtoembraceherbiracialidentity,whichhasoftenbeenaboneofcontentionbetween
herandhermother.Therefore,evokingDavidSutton’sconceptofgustemology,whichidentifies
foodasaculturalsitecapableofreimaginingtheworldsdisplacedinspaceandtime,Iwillexamine
howsynesthesia,radiatingthroughtheprocessofcreationandrecreationoffoodandmemory,
couldsuggestivelyresuscitatetheirrevocableloss,oftensufferedbymigrationanddisplacement,
death,andbereavement.
Keywords:gustemology,synesthesia,kimchi,memory,MichelleZauner
1.Introduction
Foodandmemoryareintegrallyconnected,andmemoriesoffoodareparticularlysignificantas
theyarenotmerelymemoriesofadishoramemorablefeastbutarecapableofsparkingcomplex
feelingsandemotionsinhumanminds.InTheOmnivorousMind(2012),JohnAllenexplainshow
thetaste,smell,andtextureoffoodcanbeextremelyevocative,conjuringuptheplace,thesetting,
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andallotherassociativedetailsattachedtotheexperienceofeatingaparticulardish.Allen
asserts:
Beyondmemoriesoftasteandplace,foodiseffectiveasatriggerofevendeepermemoriesof
feelingsandemotions,internalstatesofthemindandbody.Thesekindsofmemoriescansneak
uponyou:theyhavethepowertoderailacurrenttrainofthoughtandreplaceitwithoneboth
unexpectedandunexpectedlypotent.(150)
Thisuniquecapabilityoffoodmemory,evokingpowerfulanalogies,hasbeeninterpretedby
AbarcaandColbiasasensethat“providesapolytemporalconsciousness,that(re)defineshome
andlongingforhome,therootofone’sidentity,asanembodiedexperience,andthatfinds
expressionthroughvariousnarrativeforms:oral,written,digital,andperformative”(4).Hence,
SidonieSmithandJuliaWatson,intheirexplorationofautobiographicalnarratives,observethat
“food-lacedmemoriesfeedreaders’desiretoredefinethemselvesbybothimaginingpleasuresand
cookingthemup,asawayofenactingthelifechronicled”(149).Therefore,foodmemoriesand
foodmemoirscanbeperceivedasemblematicre-inscriptionsofnotonlythesubject’sfelt
experiencesbutalsoawaytowardattaininganefficaciousunderstandingofone’sownidentityand
belonging,whichareoftenadriftanddisoriented,fracturedandfissured,particularlyinthe
contemporarytimesofmassmigrationanddisplacement.
Giventhiscontext,inthisarticle,IwillreadCryinginH-Mart(2021),amemoirpennedbyMichelle
Zauner,bestknownasasingerandamusician.Sheistheleadvocalistandsongwriteroftheindie
rockbandJapaneseBreakfast,whichwasnominatedforBestAlternativeMusicAlbumandBest
NewArtistatthe64thannualGrammyAwards2022foritsthirdandlatestalbum‘Jubilee’(2021).
CryinginH-Martdebutedat#2onTheNewYorkTimes’HardcoverNonfictionBestSellersList.
MGM’sOrionPictureshasalreadyacquiredtherightstoadaptthememoirintoafilm.Zauneris
writingthescriptandherband,JapaneseBreakfast,willprovidethesoundtrack.BorninSeoultoa
Koreanmother,Chongmi,andanAmericanfather,Joel,ZaunerimmigratedtoOregonwhenshe
wasonlyoneyearold,andherbiracialidentityhasoftenemergedasasourceofpotentialconflict,
particularlyduringherteenageyears.Whenshebitterlycomplainstohermother:“Youdon’tknow
whatit’sliketobetheonlyKoreangirlatschool,”hermothercalmlyreplies:“Butyou’renot
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Korean.You’reAmerican”(Zaunerch.8).However,thecomplexmother-daughterrelationship,
fraughtwiththestereotypicalanxietiesofimmigrantsandtheconfusionssufferedbythebiracial
immigrantdescendants,endedabruptlywhenChongmipassedawayofcancerin2014,agedfifty-
six,whileZaunerwasonlytwenty-five.Therefore,thegreaterpartofthememoircategorically
documentstheanguishandtraumaduringhermother’slastdays,asshecontinuestosufferfrom
excruciatingpain,andZauner,whohasassumedtheroleofaprimarycaregiver,failstoalleviate
anyofit.ItalsoexposestherawarticulationsofZauner’sunwaveringgriefatthelossofher
mother.Yet,Zauner’smemoir,eventhoughintenselysuffusedwithsharpsensationsofpain,
trauma,grief,andloss,herreminiscencesofthetimespentwithhermother,eventuallytranscends
andtransformsherdespairandheartbreakintoajourneytowardsself-actualization.
Zauner’scourseoflifefollowinghermother’sdemiseisspecificallycarvedoutofandmarkedby
memories,tastes,andsmellsofthetraditionalKoreandisheshermotherusedtocookforher
fastidiously.AsZaunerdevotedlyundertakeslearningtocookandconsumehermother’sdishes,
evokingthegustatorysensationsinitsentirety,shenotonlystartsmemorializinghermotherbut
alsolearninghowtohealhergrievingheartfollowingthedeepestloss.Theprocesseventually
unearthsherdeep-rootedKoreanself,whichisoftencovertlyhiddenwithinhercomplexidentityas
aKoreanAmericaninbothKoreaandAmerica.Shedescribeshermemoiras“astoryabout
mothersanddaughters.It’sastoryaboutgrief.It’saboutlearningtocookKoreanfoodinthewake
oflossasawaytopreservemymother’smemoryandoursharedculture”(Ruiz).
MyreadingofZauner’smemoir,CryinginH-Mart,willprimarilyexplorehowpracticesofrecreating
thetastesoffoodmemorycouldbetranslatedintoaharmoniousreconstitutionoffracturedand
fragmentedidentities,oftensufferedbythebiracialdescendantsofimmigrants.IwillrefertoDavid
Sutton’sconceptofgustemologytoexaminehowmemoryandsynesthesia,evokedbycertain
foods,ingredients,andpreparationtechniques,couldeffectivelychartanemblematiccoursealong
theroutesoffindingselfandbelonging.Finally,Iwillfocusonthesymbolismofthewidelyknown
andhugelypopularKoreandishkimchiandthemakingofkimchi,aselucidatedandpracticedby
Zaunerfollowinghermother’sdeath.Iwillattempttoarguethatsincethetechniqueoffermentation
iscapableoftransmutation,thepersonalandindividualpracticesofmemorializationthrough
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cookingandconsumptionofethnicfoodscouldtransformtheangstofgriefandlossintoajoyous
celebration.
2.Food,Memory,andtheSenses:AGustemologicalApproach
Theintricaterelationshipbetweenfood,memory,andtheassociatedemotionsandfeelings,
evokesaparticularkindofsensoryandsocialexperienceidentifiedbyDavidSuttonas
synesthesia.Synesthesia,accordingtoSutton,isacomplexunionofdifferentsenseswhere
“sensoryexperiencescannotbecompartmentalized,butseem,rather,tofeedoffeachother”
(“FoodandtheSenses”305).Suttonconsidersfoodaculturalsite,whichnotonlysymbolizes
socialwholenessbutisspecificallycapableofevokingtheworldsdisplacedinspaceandtime.The
synestheticrecalloffamiliaryetlosttasteandsmelloffoodandhometransformsinto“an
embodiedaspectofcreatingtheexperienceofthewhole”(Sutton315).Whileparticipatinginthe
processofcreatingandrecreatingfoodandmemory,synesthesiacouldsuggestivelyresuscitate
theirrevocableloss,oftencausedbymigrationanddisplacement,death,andbereavement.
Expoundingfurtherontheideaof“foodasasensoryphenomenon”and“memoryitselfasa
sensorycapacity”(Korsmeyer&Sutton469),KorsmeyerandSuttonproposetheconceptof
gustemologytoprovideauniqueavenueforfood-relatedresearch.KorsmeyerandSutton’s
perceptionoftheideaofgustemologydoesnotsimplyassociatethesensoryexperienceoffood
consumptionwiththestereotypicalsenseoftaste.Hisideaoftastingfoodincludesnotjustsmell,
texture,andtemperaturebutsightandsoundaswell.Similarly,Kirshenblatt-Gimblett,inher
discussionoffoodasaperformancemedium,proposes:“Asasensoryexperience,tasteoperates
inmultiplemodalities–notonlybythewayofmouthandnose,butalsotheeye,earandskin”(2).
However,accordingtoKorsmeyerandSutton,taste,inanextendedsensethrougha
gustemologicalapproach,canbe“tiedtomultipledomainsofsociallife”and“cantakeonmuch
broaderandpotentiallymoremetaphoricapplications,”unearthingthefluidityandaffinitybetween
life’smoreextensiveexperiencesof“knowing,livingandinteracting”(469),whichareinherently
synesthetic.Inthiscontext,KorsmeyerandSuttonhighlighttheroleofmemoryinsense-making
throughagustemologicalapproachtowardcomprehendinglife’ssynestheticexperiences.
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KorsmeyerandSuttonfurtherproposethatmemoryitselfcanalsobeperceivedasasensewhere
senseisdistinguishedascapableofforgingcommunicativeandcreativeavenuesbetweenself
andtheworld.Therefore,theyintendtoconceptualizebothmemoryandsenses“asactive,
creative,eventransformationalculturalprocesses,notsimplereceiversofempiricalinformation”
(471).Consequently,thesensorypropertiesoffoodarenotshapedbytasteandsmellonlybut,
moresignificantly,byone’smemoriesandexpectations.KorsmeyerandSuttonrefertoMarcel
Proust’sseminalmadeleinemoment,wheresensationsofcertaintastesinvokeinvoluntary
memoriesofthepastinthepresent.Thetea-soakedpetitemadeleinesremainoneofthemost
powerfulmetaphorsformemoryandthesenses,asProustrecollects:
Butwhenfromalong-distantpastnothingsubsists,afterthepeoplearedead,afterthethingsare
brokenandscattered,tasteandsmellalone,morefragilebutmoreenduring,moreunsubstantial,
morepersistent,morefaithful,remainpoisedalongtime,likesouls,remembering,waiting,hoping,
amidtheruinsofalltherest;andbearunflinchingly,inthetinyandalmostimpalpabledropoftheir
essence,thevaststructureofrecollection.(50-51)
InadditiontodrawingfromtheProustianmomentofinducedinvoluntarymemory,Korsmeyerand
SuttonalsoalludetothenotionofcollectivememoryasprofessedbyMauriceHalbwachs(1950).
AsHalbwachsarguesthatmemorycanonlyfunctioninacollectivecontext,KorsmeyerandSutton
pointoutthatmemoryisstimulatedandshaped“bythesocialmilieusandthepeople,objectsand
institutions,”whichemphasizeshispropositionthat“memoryisindeedacommunicativechannel,
throughwhichweshapeourinteractionswithothersandwithourenvironments”(471).Therefore,
memoriesinvokedbysynestheticperceptionsconjuredupbycertaindishesareatoncesingular
andcollective.Itisanactofindividualreimaginingofthepastaswellascreatingandrecreating
boththedishandthememoryinthepresent.Suchtransformativecapabilitiesofsynestheticfood
memoriesthustranscendfromsimplysymbolizingsocialbondsandculturalorethnicidentitiesto
engenderingafluid,emancipatedvisionforthefutureoftheself.KorsmeyerandSuttonassert
that:“Thepresentisfilledoutwithsignificanceaspeopleseekmomentsfromthepastthatarefelt
toilluminateandenrichaparticularpresentimpressionappropriately.Beyondthat,memoriesfrom
thepastcombinewithpresentimpressionstospurfutureactions”(472).Hence,memory,
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perceivedasasense,canturnthepresentintoapolytemporalplane,which,accordingto
KorsmeyerandSutton,operatesondifferentlevelsofawareness.They,therefore,contend:
[A]gustemologicalapproach,onethattakesthesensoryaspectsofeating,notjustinthemoment
ofnow,butinthedeeplyevocativewaysthatfoodcantietogethermultiplestrandsofthepastthat
infuseanypresentsocialsituation,offersnewwaysofthinkingbothaboutselfhoodandsubjectivity
andaboutgroupidentityandcollectivememory.(473-74)
Asmentionedintheearliersection,MichelleZauner’smemoir,CryinginH-Mart,documentshow
thepracticeofcreatingandrecreatingfoodmemoriesinducessynesthesia.Inthefollowing
section,IwillexaminehowZauner’ssynestheticexperienceoffoodandmemory,whilemourning
forherdeceasedmother,notonlymemorializeshermotherbutalsotransformsherwayof
perceivingselfandbelonginginapositivelight,primedforthefuture.
3.InSearchofBelongingasaBiracialKoreanAmerican
CryinginHMartcommenceswithZauner’sdesperatecry:“Eversincemymomdied,IcryinH
Mart…AmIevenKoreananymoreifthere’snoonelefttocallandaskwhichbrandofseaweed
weusedtobuy?”(ch.1),settingthetoneofthememoirstraightaway.HMartisthelargestUS-
basedgrocerychainthatspecializesinAsianfood,groceries,andeverydayessentialneeds,as
wellasupscaleproducts.ParticularlycateringtotheneedsofAsianAmericans,HMartisoperated
byHanahreumGroup,whereHstandsforHanAhReum,aKoreanphrasethattranslatesas“one
armfullofgroceries.”AsZaunerrecallshowhermotherexpressedherlovethroughhoursof
shopping,cooking,andservinglabor-intensivedishesforthefamily,sheconfesses:“[Y]ou’lllikely
findmecryingbythebanchanrefrigerators,rememberingthetasteofmymom’ssoy-sauceeggs
andcoldradishsoup.Orinthefreezersection,holdingastackofdumplingskins,thinkingofallthe
hoursthatMomandIspentatthekitchentablefoldingmincedporkandchivesintothethindough”
(ch.1).GrowingupinAmerica,ZaunercanhardlyreadorspeakKorean;however,sheseemsto
befluentinHMartandhermother’skitchen.
YetgrowingupasabiracialinAmerica,asaKoreanAmerican,withadistinctiveKoreanappetite,
doesnotprovideZaunerwithaclearsenseofidentityduringheryoungeryears.Whilesheis
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consideredanAsianinAmerica,sheisperceivedasaCaucasianinKorea.Failingtolabelher
underanyfamiliarethnicAsiancategories,suchasChineseorJapanese,Zauner’sAmerican
classmatesfrequentlyharassherwithdismissivecuriosity:“Well,whatareyou,then?”(ch.8).In
desperationtoestablishherAmericannessandtoassimilatewithherAmericanfriendsandpeers,
Zaunertriestoeffaceherhalf-Koreanidentityinasmanywaysaspossible.Shestopsbringing
lunchestoschoolwhichhermothercarefullyprepareseverymorning.Intheschoolcafeteria,she
repeatedlyorderswhateverthegirlinfrontofherinthequeueishaving,eventhoughshefindsthe
plainbagelwithcreamcheeseandsemisweethotchocolate“blandnessincarnate”(Zaunerch.8).
Sheevendropshermiddlename,whichishermother’sname,Chongmi.Herjustificationisthat
withasimplifiednamelikeMichelleZauner,withoutastrangeChongmiinbetween,sheisatleast
“neutralonpaper,”whichprotectsherfromtheembarrassmentwhenpeopleaccidentally
pronounceChongmias“chowmein”(Zaunerch.8).
Therefore,throughoutheradolescence,Zaunerexperiencesatroubledrelationshipwithher
motherandherbiracialself,wherebothstruggletounderstandeachother.Shedoesnoteven
developanintimatebondwithherfather,whooftenremainsaway,detachedfromthefamily,
startinganewlifesoonafterhiswifepassesaway.Zaunerperceivesthisdiscordanceasstanding
onoppositesidesofafaultline,markedbygenerational,cultural,andlinguisticdifferences,which
sheexpressesas:“[W]ewanderedlostwithoutareferencepoint,eachofusunintelligibletothe
other’sexpectations”(ch.14).
However,sherepeatedlyassertsinhermemoirthatfoodhasalwaysremainedthecommon
languagebetweenherandhermother,andfoodistheonlywayhermotherexpressesherlove.
Zauner’smotherremembersexactlywhichstewsZaunerlikeswithextrabrothorwhichbanchan
dishsheemptiesfirstsothatitwouldbeservednexttime“withaheapingdoubleportion”(Zauner
ch.2).Zaunerrecallshowhermotherstartspreparingfoodtwodaysbeforeherreturninghome
fromcollegeduringvacations–marinadingshortribs,fillingthefridgewithherfavoritesidedishes,
andleavingtheradishkimchionthecounterthedaybeforesothatitgetsextratartbythetimeshe
reacheshome.Hermemoryfurtherevokesthepastsensationofhomecominginconjuringuphow
blissfullyZaunerlaysherpalmflat,blanketsitwithapieceoflettuce,topsitoffwithaglistening
shortribsousedinsesameoil,sweetsyrup,andsoda,andcaramelizedinthepan,fillingthe
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kitchenwitharich,smokyscent,aspoonfulofwarmrice,adredgeofssamjang(Koreanspicy
dippingsauce),andathinsliceofrawgarlic.Asshefoldsitintoaperfectlittlesatchelandpopsit
intohermouth,hereyesslowlycloseinitsdelectablewholesomenesssheidentifiesas“a
miraculousreunion…faintingindramaticappreciation”(Zaunerch.6).
However,whenhermotherisdiagnosedwitharareformofstageIVsquamous-cellcarcinoma,
andZaunerquitsallherpart-timejobstoreturnhometocareforhermother,hopingtorecreatethe
disheshermotherlovestohelphergainstrengthandliftherspirits,sheencountersadifferent
senseofunbelonging–notonlybecauseofZauner’sincapabilityofcookingethnicKoreandishes
butalsobecausehermother,whohasbecomesoweak,frail,andnauseousduetothe
chemotherapysessions,isnolongercapableoftastingandswallowingthefoodsheusedtoenjoy
eatingandpreparingforthefamilywhenshewashealthy.However,Zaunernoticesthather
mother’soldKoreanfriend,Kye,whoarrivestohelptakecareofZauner’smother,successfully
preparessomesimpleandhithertounknownKoreandishes,suchaskongguksu(coldsoymilk
noodlesoup)orjatjuk(pinenutporridge)thathermothermanagestoeatanddigest.WhenZauner
pleadswithKyetohelpherlearnhowtomakethesedishesforhermother,assheisachingto
resuscitateheremotionalconnectionwithherterminallyillmotherthroughtheircommonlanguage
offood,Kyepolitelyrefusesandaskshertohelpwithpreparingfoodforherselfandherfather.
Zaunerisdevastatedtorealizethatherfragmentedidentityfailstoempowerhertoupholdher
complexselfhoodandbelongingandthatshecanneverentirelybelongtobothworldswithout
reservation.Kye’sdiscreetrefusaltohelpherlearntomakedisheshermothercansavorduring
whatwashermostchallengingphysicalconditionuncoverstheinevitableexclusionthatZauner
painfullygrasps:
Icouldneverbeofbothworlds,onlyhalfinandhalfout,waitingtobeejectedatwillbysomeone
withgreaterclaimthanme.Someonefull.Someonewhole.ForalongtimeIhadtriedtobelongin
America,wantedandwishedforitmorethananything,butinthatmomentallIwantedwastobe
acceptedasaKoreanbytwopeoplewhorefusedtoclaimme.Youarenotoneofus,Kyeseemed
tosay.Andyouwillneverreallyunderstandwhatitissheneeds,nomatterhowperfectyoutryto
be.”(ch.8)
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Zauner’slifeafterhermother’sdeathis,atfirst,ravagedbyunforgivingmemoriesandtraumatic
nightmares.Sheconstantlyvisualizesanddreamsofhermother’slastdays,devoidofanydignity,
sufferinginexcruciatingpainandagony.Herunsuccessfulattemptstoreconnectwithherfather
andherfruitlessvisitstoaprofessionaltherapistincreasinglythrowherdeepintothemireof
despairandhopelessness.However,inthefollowingsection,IwillexaminehowZaunerdiscovers
thepowerofinvokinggustemologicalsynesthesiathroughcreatingandrecreatingfoodand
memoryacrosstimeandspace,whichnotonlyhelpsherinmemorializinghermotherwithallher
positiveattributesbutalsopavesawaytowardreconcilingandreclaimingherownsenseof
identityandbelonging.
4.FromFermentationtoPreservation:TheMakingofFoodand
Memory
Zauner’ssearchforherselfandhermemoriesfindsawaytoHMartassheobserves:“IntheH
Martfoodcourt,Ifindmyselfagain,searchingforthefirstchapterofthestoryIwanttotellabout
mymother”(ch.1).Deniedtheopportunityoflearningtocookthedisheshermothercouldeat
amidpainandnausea,Zaunerundertakestolearntocookthemafterhermother’sdeath,starting
withjatjuk,thepinenutporridge,whichKyemostoftenpreparedforhermother.Herguideisthe
well-knownYouTuberandauthorKimKwang-sook,commonlyknownasMaangchi,aspecialistin
Koreancuisine.ZaunerconsidersMaangchiherdigitalguardiansinceherwaysofspeakingand
cookingremindherofhermother.
Jatjukisasimpledishmadeofrice,pinenuts,salt,andwater,whichKoreansusuallypreparefor
peoplewhoaresicksincetheproteinandgoodfatofthepinenutshelpthemrecoverfaster.
However,jatjukissoupyandhasadelicatetaste,andMaangchirecommendsslowlyspooningit
insteadofdrinkingit.Shewrites:“Iwantyoutoenjoytheaftertaste.1spoonafter,pause!And
closeyoureyesjustasIdidinthevideo,tosavorthetaste.Ohyummyohyummy.Doyoutastea
bitofthepinetreearomathere?Thenstartanotherspoon!”(Maangchi).AsZaunerstartsfollowing
thestepsinstructedintheYouTubevideoanxiously,wonderingwhethershehasputenoughwater
orwhethershewillgettherequiredconsistency,sheeventuallyrealizesitis“thefirstdishthat
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mademefull”(Zaunerch.16).However,itseemssignificanttonotethatZauner’sfeelingofbeing
perfectlysatiatedisnottriggeredbythedelicateandcleantasteofjatjuk.MasteringKorean
culinaryartsgivesZaunerthecrucialinsightintohowtoreclaimherbirthright.Assheenjoysspoon
afterspoonofjatjuk,shestartsembodyingherselfandhermothersynesthetically,whichshe
visualizesinthefollowingway:“Iclosedmyeyesandspoonedthelastofthesoupintomymouth,
picturingthesoftmixturecoatingmymother’sblisteredtongue,thewarmliquidtravelingslowlyinto
mystomachasItriedtosavortheaftertaste”(ch.16).
Zauner’sjourneytowardthereclamationofherrelationshipwithhermotherandheridentityasa
KoreanAmericanisgraduallyshapedbyrememberingandrecreatingparticulargustatorysenses
andtheassociatedmemories.Sheresolvesthatsheistheonlyoneresponsibleforrevivingand
sustainingherKoreanself,whichshehasdeniedacceptingforalongtime.Shepronounces:
“Withinfiveyears,Ilostbothmyauntandmymothertocancer.So,whenIgotoHMart,I’mnot
justonthehuntforcuttlefishandthreebunchesofscallionsforabuck;I’msearchingfor
memories.I’mcollectingtheevidencethattheKoreanhalfofmyidentitydidn’tdiewhentheydid”
(ch.1).LettingMaanchi’svideosplayinthebackground,asZaunermeticulouslypractices
masteringonedishafteranother,carefullymeasuring,pausing,rewindingtogetitexactlyright,
sheexhumesdistinctmemories,whicharemarkednotonlybysmellandtastebutalsoinvokethe
sensoryandsocialexperiencesofknowing,living,andinteracting.Knife-cutnoodlesinchicken
brothtakeherbacktotheafternoonofshoppingandwaitingforlunchatMyeongdongGyojawith
thequeueextendingoutonthestreet,therichstock,andthestarchynoodlesofthekalguksudish
appearingtobegelatinous,hermotherorderingmoreandmorerefillsoffamousgarlic-heavy
kimchi,andherauntscoldingherforblowinghernoseinpublic.
Reconstructingmemoriesisnotsolelyconfinedtorecollecting,revisiting,orsimplyrecreatingwhat
hadhappenedinthepast.Zauner’sendeavorstopreservehermother’slifeandhermemories
drivehertogoonapilgrimagetocertainplacesinSeoul,Busan,andJejuIslandinKorea.These
aretheplaceshermotherwantedforthemtoexperiencetogetheronelasttime;however,the
entireplanhadtobecanceledsincehermotherhadbecomecriticallyillduringthelongflightto
Koreaandhadtobeconfinedtoahospital.ZaunereventuallyforgesalovingbondwithNami,her
onlyremainingauntinKoreaafterhermother’sdeath.Despitetheirlanguagebarriersthey
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reminiscetheirmotherandsistertogetherwithaflourishofraptureandjoyfulness.Zauner
emphasizestheimportanceofsharingfoodwithherauntandhearingstoriesfromher.She
explainsthisishowshestrivestoreconnectwithher,motherthroughrecreatinghermother’s
memoriesandstoriesforherownsurvival,eventuallycarvingaroutetocomprehendherKorean
roots,whichKyehassummarilydismissed.
AsshemakesherwaythroughGwangjangMarketanditsbubblingpotsforkalguksu,
overbrimmingbowlsforbibimbap,metalcontainersfullofjeotgal,salt-fermentedseafoodbanchan,
crimsonsacksofpollackroesmotheredingochugaru,toJagalchiFishMarketinpouringrain,with
itsstir-friedoctopusandspicyfishstew,movingontothethickstripsofsamgyupsalorKorean
barbequesizzledoverhotcoals,clingingstubbornlytothewiregrill,remindingherofhermother
andherbutaneburner,hermotherwearingabluesummerdresswithstrapsoverhershoulders,
Zaunerissuccessfulinconstructingherfondmemoriesofexperiencesthatneveroccurredbefore.
Memory,itselfasensorycapacity,cancreatethesensationsofwhatZaunerexpressesas“the
tastesshewantedmetoremember.Thefeelingsshewantedmetoneverforget”(ch.17).
However,theculminationofZauner’ssynestheticrecreationoffoodandmemorytopreserveand
celebratehermother’slifeeventuallyfindstherightcourseofactionthroughmakingthemost
popularKoreandish–kimchi.Madeofsaltedandfermentedvegetables,mostlynapacabbageand
Koreanradish,andseasonedwithavarietyofspicesandingredients,kimchihasevolvedintoa
symbolofKoreanidentity.FollowingMaanchi’sinstructions,Zaunerattemptstopreparetwotypes
ofkimchi,chonggakorradishkimchi,andtongbaechuornapacabbagekimchi.Zauner’sdetailed
descriptionofherkimchi-makingepisodesexudeshermulti-sensoryencountersthataffecther
understandingoftheintricaterelationshipbetweenfoodandlife.Theembodiedexperiencesof
cutting,cooking,cleaning,andwashing,alongwiththetextureandfeeling,tasteandsmellcan
transformamundanedishtobeimbuedwithadeepandintimatesymbolicawarenessoflife’s
manyinevitabilities.
Zaunerproceedswithmemorializingthesensationsofthecharmingsqueakoftheknifecuttingthe
cabbageinhalf,thepullingoftheleaves,gentlyandpolitelylikesheetsofcrumpledtissuepaper,
thepaintingofthebrightredandfragrantpasteoffishsauce,saltedshrimp,redpaperflakes,
choppedgreenonion,andsweetriceflourporridge,betweentheleaves,inhalingdeeplytoabsorb
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theexperience.Asherkitchenisradiatedwiththesmellofvegetablesfermentingandfillsupwith
differentsizesofmasonjars,eachstaffedfullofdifferenttypesofkimchiinvariousstagesof
fermentation,Zaunersolemnlyobserves:
Ihadthoughtfermentationwascontrolleddeath.Leftalone,aheadofcabbagemoldsand
decomposes.Itbecomesrotten,inedible.Butwhenbrinedandstored,thecourseofitsdecayis
altered.Sugarsarebrokendowntoproducelacticacid,whichprotectsitfromspoiling.Carbon
dioxideisreleasedandthebrineacidifies.Itages.Itscolorandtexturetransmute.Itsflavor
becomestarter,morepungent.Itexistsintimeandtransforms.Soitisnotquitecontrolleddeath,
becauseitenjoysanewlifealtogether.(ch.19)
Sheeventuallyperceivesthatsynestheticrecreationoffoodandmemorycantransformthe
traumaticmemoriesof“chemoheadandskeletalbodiesandloggingmilligramsofhydrocodone”
(Zaunerch.1)thatpersistentlyhaunthernever-endingnightmares.Therefore,sheresolvesnotto
letthememoriesshehasconstructedafterhermother’sdeathbefesteredagain.Theyhavetobe
nurturedandpreservedbecausesherealizes“[t]heyweremomentstobetended.Theculturewe
sharedwasactive,effervescentinmygutandinmygenes,andIhadtoseizeit,fosteritsoitdid
notdieinme”(ch.19).Zauner’sattempttoreconstructmemoriesofhermothereventually
transmutesherownunderstandingofherselfandhelpsherlocateheridentityandbelonging.As
shesymbolicallyembodiesherdeceasedmother–“IfIcouldnotbewithmymother,Iwouldbe
her”(Zaunerch.19)–Icontendthatagustemologicalapproachtowardcomprehendinglife’s
synestheticexperiencescanorchestrateasenseofbelonging.
5.Conclusion
MichelleZauner’smemoirCryinginH-Martmanifestshowanembodiedpracticeofsynesthetic
recreationoffoodandmemoriescanreconstructasustainedsenseofhomeandbelonging,an
ideathatoftenappearstobeparticularlychallengingtobiracialdiasporicindividuals.Drawingfrom
DavidSutton’sconceptofgustemology,asrevealedinZauner’smemoir,foodcaneffectivelybe
perceivedasaculturalsite,whilememorycanberegardedasanorganicsensecapableof
evolutionandtransformation.Theideaoffoodshouldnotbenarrowlyconfinedtothesensesof
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tastingandsmelling;rather,foodmemoriesandtheassociatedprocessesofmakingadishcan
evokemultiplesensationsandmyriadformsofremembrance,thepotentsymbolsofcreationand
recreation.
Zauner’sdetaileddescriptionofhermother’spainfullydeterioratingphysicalcondition,herraw
articulationsofunwaveringgrieffollowinghermother’sdeath,andhereventualrevivingofthe
effervescentspiritofhermotherthroughreconstructionsandrecreationsofmemoriesinasymbolic
manner,particularlythroughherkimchi-makingepisodes,articulatehowtheinevitabilitiesoflife’s
decompositionordisintegrationdonotsolelysignifyanindeliblefinality.Eventually,Zauner
realizesthatfermentationisnotjustperishmentbutaceaselessjourneythroughvariousformsof
transitionstowardtransformation.Identityandbelonging,inaworldofmigrationanddisplacement,
arenottobemerelyfoundwithincertainpreconceivedcategoriesbutshouldbeperceivedasan
evolvingprocessofregenerationandrejuvenation.
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Allen,JohnS.TheOmnivorousMind:OurEvolvingRelationshipwithFood.HarvardUP,2012.
Kirshenblatt-Gimblett,Barbara.“PlayingtotheSenses:FoodasaPerformanceMedium.”
PerformanceResearch:AJournalofthePerformingArt,vol.4,no.1,1999,pp.1-30.Taylor&
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Korsmeyer,Carolyn,andDavidSutton.“TheSensoryExperienceofFood.”Food,Culture,&
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Ruiz,Rafael.“CryinginHmart&interviewwithauthor/musicianMichelleZauner.”Books
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Smith,Sidonie,andJuliaWatson.ReadingAutobiography:AGuideforInterpretingLife-Narratives.
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